The Hypocritical Jesus Bitch

It amazes me how after 40 years of graduating someone can still possess the same childish, high school behavior as they did that long ago.

I had the wonderful pleasure of being bullied in high school.  Maybe it had something to do with the fact I was a straight A student, maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was quiet.  Could even have been due to the fact that since the age of 12 I was almost 6' tall.  I'm going with all three.
The bullying and torture I endured while "enjoying" my high school years didn't come to an end until my mother felt I needed to go to a private school.  Before that happened though, my school days were a living hell.

You do what you can to survive and hope that you never have to experience the bullying again.  No on can be that lucky. Well, not me any way.

I am the type of person that really does try like hell to avoid conflict at all cost.  That's probably why I allow myself to get stepped on and treated like shit all the time.  If I stand up for myself it creates conflict, fighting and who knows what else so I just let it be and deal with it.  My day will come. Until that time, I do what I need to do to get through life with the least amount of conflict possible.

A couple days ago at work, I was having an absolutely terrible day.  I was quiet, didn't say much, just did what I had to do to get through the day so I have no idea how other people perceived it.  Apparently the HJB  perceived it as "I am a very angry person and if I don't think so I need to change my face."  huh.  Didn't think faces could be changed.  I thought the one I had was the one I was stuck with for the rest of my life.  Regardless, I said nothing, kept working.

Comments would fly between HJB and her friend that I will call Ellen.  (They used to work together at a different company as well)  I knew the comments were directed toward me however I chose to keep my mouth shut.  If I said anything, it would not be pretty. For either of us.

The straw that broke the camels back was when she called me pathetic because I can't learn via video tutorials.  I need a written outline and hands on.  that's how I learn.  I proceeded to tell her that she needs to not be so judgemental of me an it really bothers me how someone that professes to be as Godly as she does, can pass judgement so easily.  I have a lot of shit going on, I am overwhelmed at work, I am overwhelmed at home.  I am more alone than she will ever feel and I live with a man who is supposed to be my mate yet will not hesitate to call me a useless fucking cunt because I won't give him the keys to the car when he is drunk.

What I am going to say next is the reason I don't stand up for myself, I keep my mouth shut, and avoid conflict.

I was accused of having a victim mentality, which she totally abhors, I need to stop being pathetic, stop being a victim and accept the fact that made the choice to have the life I do.  then she proceeded to laugh about it with Ellen, and even share it with one of her other co workers, having a laugh with them as well.

To that, I said nothing. Do I agree with her?  Absolutely not.  A victim?  Yes.  We all are a victim of one kind or another.  I happen to be a victim of circumstance.  I did not choose to lose my job so that when the point came that when I wanted to leave, I was not able to.  I did not choose to get a job that did not pay me enough to support myself.  I did not choose to have a child that would eventually get into legal trouble and I would end up caring for his child.  Circumstances did that for me.  I can not change what has happened, I can only hope and pray that someday my circumstances will change so that I can make different choices.

To have to deal with a bully like I did in high school really pains me because no matter how old you get, it still hurts to hear comments.  It hurts to know that people are talking about you behind your back. It hurts to get put down because you don't learn the same way, or achieve the end result the same way as HJB.  I did end up going to HR to just "advise" them of the situation because I didn't know how far she would take it.  You know, had to cover MY ass first.  That's how I roll.

Of course now I am branded a tattle tale but I really don't give a shit. I can deal with the whispers when my co workers walk by me because of the gossip/rumors that she has spread.  I can overlook she and Ellen whispering and throwing comments around.  What I can't deal with is someone using the Word of God and the Blessed name of Jesus as a way to show how you "live your life" only to do exactly the opposite of what He would. 

Well, I don't work there any more thank God.  Turns out she was in a really bad car accident (Karma is bitch isn't it?), survived (thank goodness - I do not wish death on anyone), but had a lot of recovery to go through.  Ellen is still there but now I work for such an awesome company.  Family owned business, Auto body, Service, etc.  and if I hadn't gotten laid off from the other company I never would have found this place. 

I guess things happen for a reason no matter how bad they are.

Note:  I started writing this post in 2018.  With the care my boy needed, I was unable to finish it so I did today.

 

Some days are better than others.  I am a Grandmother, a Mom, a nurse, a comforter, an advocate and somewhere in all that I still have to be an individual.  Pffft.  There isn't any time for me. Hasn't been for a while.

In August of 2017, my 8 year old was diagnosed with AML:  Acute Myeloid Leukemia which is extremely aggressive and rare in children.  There aren't a lot of treatment options on a pediatric level because this normally occurs in adults.  Go figure.  My kid has to get the hard one to treat.  When he was diagnosed we almost lost him - he got septic and ended up in the PICU.  I'm not going to go into detail because I have another series of posts entitled AML: Living with Leukemia.  I don't have a lot of time on my hands but I post to that segment of my blog whenever  I have the chance.  It's our story and our journey.

The first year was the standard treatment, four rounds of chemo consisting of one month in the hospital for each round of treatment.  In December he was considered in remission so I was hopeful we had really taken care of it.  Nope.  In April of 18 his leukemia came back with a vengeance. It wasn't responding to chemo, our treatment options were dwindling and we needed to get him to Boston for a bone marrow transplant.  In order to do that the disease had to be less than 2%.  We never got to that point, but his Oncologist pleaded his case and Boston accepted him with 5% disease.   Transplant was a success even though the transplant doctor told us that he would probably die there.  The new cells grafted in about 10 days and within a month we were home.  Unfortunately, again, he relapsed and this time it was the last.

Everyone knows that each time cancer relapses its harder  to get into remission.  Try as we might it didn't happen.  While he was a fighter against the cancer, his immunodeficiency made it impossible for him to fight the fungal pneumonia he got.   5 months after his cancer relapsed again, he gained his angel wings. He was unable to fight the pneumonia and it encompassed the entirety of his lungs.  He took his last breath in my arms on September 15, 2019.

Being a cancer mom is the most God awful thing in the world. Especially when the disease claims the life of a 10 year old little boy.  A little boy so full of life, so full of spit and vinegar, so full of fight, only to be taken down by pneumonia that his body couldn't fight because his immune system was compromised from all the chemo.  I wouldn't wish this on any parent. Ever.

Now, I find myself having more bad days than good.  I find my days full of heartache, tears and emptiness.  My child was my purpose, my best friend and now he is gone.  Will I ever find a new purpose?  I really don't know.  All I know right now is that the direction of my life will be uncertain for a very, very long time.

11.29.15

The Thanksgiving Holiday has officially come to a close and the Christmas holiday has officially begun. Sure the commercialism of the holiday started in September, but I refuse to take any part in it until the day after Thanksgiving, when I begin the traditional Christmas decorating.
I almost finished with the decorations today, leaving a few outdoor wreaths and the tree which is usually last due to the major re-arranging of the living room to accommodate it for a month.

I have to say that the house is beginning to look Christmas-y, but still quite messy as I have boxes and toys laying around that I have yet to put away for a few weeks.  I'll finish up during the week, hopefully and then I can relax and get back to some sort of normalcy until its time to take them all down.

I look forward to the evenings of driving around town looking at all the lights and decorations, maybe taking a trip to Bright Nights in Massachusetts, the snuggles under a blanket, warm hot chocolate, Christmas shows and festive music. Christmas truly is my favorite time of year.

Now if I could only remember to move that damn elf.............

11.28.15

I spent most of Thanksgiving day baking, cooking and cleaning.  I never did like Thanksgiving for just that reason. Why can't it just be a normal day, normal dinner, normal routine with "what are we thankful for" added in?
I envy those women who have mates that help them.  I do everything alone from start to finish while mine is hunting in the morning, comes home and sleeps on the couch to a point where i get everything on the table and by the time he finally gets off the couch, i'm microwaving my plate to reheat everything. Sure.  I'm thankful that I have food to eat, a job to provide me with the money to buy the food and pay my bills.  I'm thankful for my grandson and that i have a roof over my head because I know that there are others that do not.  Other than that, I find it hard to be thankful for anything.
Friday and today, I tried to get into the Christmas spirit.  Most anyone who knows me is aware that I spend the weekend after Thanksgiving putting up Christmas decorations.  This year however I am finding it very hard to do anything. I got almost all the outside decorations up on Friday, and worked inside today.  I still have a bit to do, but since I started using the 3M command performance system for my decorating, I need to get the adhesive backers every year.  Off to Walmart tomorrow it would appear.
So tomorrow will be spent shopping at Walmart for supplies and whatever groceries I need that are cheaper there.  Then off to the grocery store and back home to decorate some more and get ready to go back to work on Monday.
Depression sucks - it drags me down and takes away the joy I once felt this time of year. Now I feel like I do it just for Axel.  If he weren't here, I really don't think I would put forth the effort with the decorating.
At least there's one thing I can look forward to - I can wear all my Christmas sweaters now.  I think I have almost enough to wear a different one every day until Christmas.

I Close My Eyes.......

As the days go by I think of you

Wondering what you are doing.

Are you thinking of me?

Do you feel what I feel?

There are so many things I want to say

Words that will go unspoken

Fearing that they will fall on deaf ears

Be spoken all for naught

The distance between us feels as though

It spans a life time. 

Talking to you but never hearing your voice

Seeing you but never able to look into your eyes

I am a prisoner in my own life

Bound by chains fashioned of torment

Strengthened by years of misery

Longing to but never able to escape

In my darkness I close my eyes and then

I feel the warmth of your touch on my face

I feel your arms around me, strong, 

Never letting go, keeping me safe

My body is pressed close to yours

I can feel your heartbeat, feel your 

Soft touch, your warm breath

Hear your whispers in my ear

I know that when I open my eyes

You will no longer be with me

Once again you will be only in my

Heart, my thoughts and in my dreams

A Very Important Life Lesson Learned......The Hard Way

With everything that has been going on the past couple of days, I think I can finally say that "I hope its over". After being silently and indirectly accused of writing a blog that I certainly did not write, the whole fiasco has finally come to its fruition.

When I was first confronted about the blog, I was a little shocked, but more so disappointed at the fact that I was believed to have been the "author".  I did the only thing I could do - reassure the caller that I did NOT write the blog, I would contact blogger/Google and report it if I could, and would certainly try to find out who it was that wrote it, as now, I was in the spotlight for something I didn't do.
Of course, I commented on the blog in a positive nature, because honestly, it brought me a little bit of joy. Mean?  No, I don't think so.  Just the thought that someone was doing what I knew I wouldn't have the balls to do, fascinated me for just a short moment.

I tried to report it, but it would have had to have been illegal, spam, impersonating someone, etc. so all I could do was email them to express my opinion, let them know that it was targeting me as the author, indirectly targeting people that are not   I also made it PERFECTLY clear on Facebook that I was NOT the author.  It didn't take long for Google to contact the author as the next day there was a post apologizing.  Things just weren't sitting right with me at this point.  The more I read the blog, the more it made my stomach turn.  The information was eerily familiar to me, and it was then that I realized what had happened.

Back in July of 2012 when I lost my job, I confided in a friend that I had met 8 years ago.  I considered her a good friend, close.  We talked often, she would vent to me, I would vent to her and we became really good friends.  Well, I vented to her after I lost my job.  Telling her that IF I wanted to get back at them  I have SO much information about their business practices, the service manager "embezzling" etc. that I could really ruin their reputation.  Unfortunately for me, I went into detail, not realizing that her "journalist" side was anxious for a hot story apparently.

I confided in her, I vented to her and she betrayed my trust, my confidence and ruined our friendship.  Good intentions or not (she apparently felt she was helping me), she caused a lot of problems because the owner of the company was blaming me for the blog. Oh sure she has tried to apologize, telling me she wasn't thinking, etc. but I just can not forgive her right now for what she did.  She could have done something that would have caused a lot of good people to lose their jobs and THAT is the reason that I didn't do anything.

Hopefully now everything is done and over with.  She has "apologized", taken down the blog and "promised" that she did nothing else with it as she claimed she was going to.  This incident has opened up my eyes and taught me a very valuable lesson.    TRUST NO ONE. Unfortunately I had to learn it the hard way, but I think life has been trying to tell me that for a while now.  It just took this long for me to listen.

Despite everything, I'm sure that my past employer still thinks it was me.  After all the years of loyal service I put into that company (I even passed up on an offer with a different company, making a little more money because I actually liked my job), you would think they would know me better than that.  Actually it really doesn't mater what they think because I know the truth.  That's what matters and if that isn't good enough for them, they can kiss my unemployed ass.

WOW! Reality just slapped me in the face....I think.......

Ever have one of those days that just isn't going well and then you get a big SMACK in the face that puts the cherry on top of the sundae?  Lets chalk today up as one of those days.

I got a call on my cell phone, a missed call from a woman that I used to work with. Someone that I consider a very dear friend and would do anything for.  She didn't leave a message so I called her at work, not knowing what it was all about.

When she answered the phone, there was the usual exchange of pleasantries and then came the smack.  And what a big one at that.  I don't think I was expecting what came next.  She asked me if I was the one that wrote the blog.......

A couple months ago, one of my facebook friends brought something to my attention.  A blog on the internet regarding the company I used to work for.  I read it and for a moment it actually gave me pleasure to see someone writing something bad about the company. What can I say?  I was there for 11 years, I go in on a Monday, work for four flipping hours and THEN I'm told that "my position with the company has been terminated effective immediately". Anger, Hate, Frustration - minimal to say the least.  And NOW I am getting accused, as indirectly as it may be, of writing this blog......

I did assure her that I didn't write it (although secretly i wish i had the balls to), but I don't think she believed me.  What can I say. While I harbor MANY bad feelings about the company, I'm not a piece of shit.  I don't go around destroying peoples lives that don't deserve it.  I may make a comment here and there about how nice it is to be "appreciated" for all the years of service by making me work for 4 hours before telling me i don't have a job any more. Or how nice it must be to have the service department pay for your home central AC system. But to go so low as to post on the internet things that could effect every single employee of the company?  Give me a break!  I need these people as references. Why the hell would I post shit and then expect them to give me a good reference?

It just goes to show you that no matter what kind of person you are, there is always ONE person that fucks it all up for you - and I'm NOT talking about the friend that asked me if I wrote it. She was very hurt and disappointed to even think that I would do something like that so she had to ask me, I know that. But I can assure you that the other "factions", that were so kind enough to rid me of my employment are most positive that I was the one that wrote it.

I don't know if the blog is still there, and because of the content, I am not going to post the link, but I did post the "author" and told her that I was reporting it to blogger because it was personally attacking me at this point.  I don't know what good it is going to do because Blogger/Google supports freedom of speech - which is why there is blogger. I can ask that it be taken down, as there are only two posts up.  Both from February of this year.  Nothing more.  Its almost as though it was a blogger wanna-be that never went anywhere.
I may not be a pro-blogger, but even I know that to have a successful blog, you have to post to it more than twice in 3 months.......

Well, I guess to sum it all up, I am in the hot seat for something I didn't do, so I had to send an email to one of the two people that I loathe the most over there at that company, and explain that it wasn't me and if I were to stoop to that level, I would have called their customers to expose them and would have given a story to a friggen local newspaper....... to hell with a blog.  They don't do shit. UNLESS they are shown to the right, or wrong people.  Depending on how you are looking at it.

Apparently this isn't going to blow over any time soon.  Who the hell knows when the blog is going to come down, or if it even will.  No matter how I feel about the company, I wouldn't stoop to that level.........even if it DID make me smile, just a little to read it.