The Road to Sunshine

The Road to Sunshine

By MJ Williams

           

I have never thought of myself as old, and I still don’t.  I can certainly put my body through the wringer every now and then, as my mind tells me I am one age and my body asks what the heck do I think I’m doing!

I yearn at times to be “young” again, and I am speaking of chronological age, as well as physical body and ability.  To be able to run and play endlessly, eat anything I want and not gain weight, stay up late, sleep late, or if I choose, be up before the sun.  Not a care in the world.  The innocence of youth……..yes, I do yearn for it.  Then I ask myself, do I REALLY want to be a child again?  Sometimes I can fool myself into saying yes, but I know that if given the chance, I wouldn’t change a thing.

During my childhood,  I have certainly had my fair share of mishaps, bad luck, and heartbreaks.  Losing a beloved pet.  Breaking three fingers on my right hand horsing around with my little sister. (even though we weren’t supposed to be in the house), my first crush on a boy, only to find out that he liked my older sister.  Getting into the teen years and adulthood were even more interesting.  Splitting my knee open diving into home plate during a high school softball game.  Getting my first car, and losing it a day later because my stepfather wanted to drive it instead.  Moving in with my aunt and uncle at the age of 16, my grandmother at the age of 17, my friends from church at the age of 18 and 6 months later moving in with my fiancé.  Married at the age of 19, one son at the age of 20 and another son at the age of 22.  Thinking about it all, I never really had a chance to experience life.

Would I change anything?  No,  not at all.  I have two wonderful boys, and now I have a wonderful husband. (my second marriage).  I snowmobile; we take our dog Sadie out on the boat with us.  We go camping. Our lives are just so full!  Is our marriage perfect?  Of course not.  We say things in anger that we regret afterwards.  We both came from previous relationships that scarred us, so there is always that residue that is tainting our completeness. Neither one of us wants to get hurt again. But we love each other.  That’s what keeps us going, moves us past those painful memories, and helps us to focus on the future.  We have had our share of heartaches, losing three beloved pets all within a year, making us feel like all the sunshine had gone out of our lives, and filled us with only rain.

I can look at all the rain in my life and focus on that, or build on bringing back the sunshine. It is a tough road to travel.  Just when I am able to take 2 steps forward, something happens that makes me have to take 4 steps back.  Frustrating?  You bet.  Sometimes I wonder what on earth is the reason for my “bad luck”.  Then I focus on my “Sunshine”.  What exactly is my Sunshine?  My husband Bill.  My younger son Erik who is autistic.  My oldest son Michael, and the fact that I am going to be a grandmother for the first time.  Michael, is in the Navy and he and his wife Jennifer are expecting their first child in October.  October 2^nd to be exact.  At first I go back to the earlier part of this story and think about how “old” I am, or how “old” being a grandmother is going to make me feel, and then I think about how much Sunshine this little child will bring to my life.  Being a part of his life, (yes, it’s a boy!)  watching him grow up, seeing the joy that he will bring to my son and daughter-in-law, thinking about all the ways I can spoil him and then send him home.  Hold him in my arms and know that this is MY grandson, and he will just capture my heart.  Knowing and feeling all this, makes it possible for me to leave all the rain behind and find my way along the road to sunshine.

  

©2008 MJ Williams