I Close My Eyes.......

As the days go by I think of you

Wondering what you are doing.

Are you thinking of me?

Do you feel what I feel?

There are so many things I want to say

Words that will go unspoken

Fearing that they will fall on deaf ears

Be spoken all for naught

The distance between us feels as though

It spans a life time. 

Talking to you but never hearing your voice

Seeing you but never able to look into your eyes

I am a prisoner in my own life

Bound by chains fashioned of torment

Strengthened by years of misery

Longing to but never able to escape

In my darkness I close my eyes and then

I feel the warmth of your touch on my face

I feel your arms around me, strong, 

Never letting go, keeping me safe

My body is pressed close to yours

I can feel your heartbeat, feel your 

Soft touch, your warm breath

Hear your whispers in my ear

I know that when I open my eyes

You will no longer be with me

Once again you will be only in my

Heart, my thoughts and in my dreams

A Very Important Life Lesson Learned......The Hard Way

With everything that has been going on the past couple of days, I think I can finally say that "I hope its over". After being silently and indirectly accused of writing a blog that I certainly did not write, the whole fiasco has finally come to its fruition.

When I was first confronted about the blog, I was a little shocked, but more so disappointed at the fact that I was believed to have been the "author".  I did the only thing I could do - reassure the caller that I did NOT write the blog, I would contact blogger/Google and report it if I could, and would certainly try to find out who it was that wrote it, as now, I was in the spotlight for something I didn't do.
Of course, I commented on the blog in a positive nature, because honestly, it brought me a little bit of joy. Mean?  No, I don't think so.  Just the thought that someone was doing what I knew I wouldn't have the balls to do, fascinated me for just a short moment.

I tried to report it, but it would have had to have been illegal, spam, impersonating someone, etc. so all I could do was email them to express my opinion, let them know that it was targeting me as the author, indirectly targeting people that are not   I also made it PERFECTLY clear on Facebook that I was NOT the author.  It didn't take long for Google to contact the author as the next day there was a post apologizing.  Things just weren't sitting right with me at this point.  The more I read the blog, the more it made my stomach turn.  The information was eerily familiar to me, and it was then that I realized what had happened.

Back in July of 2012 when I lost my job, I confided in a friend that I had met 8 years ago.  I considered her a good friend, close.  We talked often, she would vent to me, I would vent to her and we became really good friends.  Well, I vented to her after I lost my job.  Telling her that IF I wanted to get back at them  I have SO much information about their business practices, the service manager "embezzling" etc. that I could really ruin their reputation.  Unfortunately for me, I went into detail, not realizing that her "journalist" side was anxious for a hot story apparently.

I confided in her, I vented to her and she betrayed my trust, my confidence and ruined our friendship.  Good intentions or not (she apparently felt she was helping me), she caused a lot of problems because the owner of the company was blaming me for the blog. Oh sure she has tried to apologize, telling me she wasn't thinking, etc. but I just can not forgive her right now for what she did.  She could have done something that would have caused a lot of good people to lose their jobs and THAT is the reason that I didn't do anything.

Hopefully now everything is done and over with.  She has "apologized", taken down the blog and "promised" that she did nothing else with it as she claimed she was going to.  This incident has opened up my eyes and taught me a very valuable lesson.    TRUST NO ONE. Unfortunately I had to learn it the hard way, but I think life has been trying to tell me that for a while now.  It just took this long for me to listen.

Despite everything, I'm sure that my past employer still thinks it was me.  After all the years of loyal service I put into that company (I even passed up on an offer with a different company, making a little more money because I actually liked my job), you would think they would know me better than that.  Actually it really doesn't mater what they think because I know the truth.  That's what matters and if that isn't good enough for them, they can kiss my unemployed ass.

WOW! Reality just slapped me in the face....I think.......

Ever have one of those days that just isn't going well and then you get a big SMACK in the face that puts the cherry on top of the sundae?  Lets chalk today up as one of those days.

I got a call on my cell phone, a missed call from a woman that I used to work with. Someone that I consider a very dear friend and would do anything for.  She didn't leave a message so I called her at work, not knowing what it was all about.

When she answered the phone, there was the usual exchange of pleasantries and then came the smack.  And what a big one at that.  I don't think I was expecting what came next.  She asked me if I was the one that wrote the blog.......

A couple months ago, one of my facebook friends brought something to my attention.  A blog on the internet regarding the company I used to work for.  I read it and for a moment it actually gave me pleasure to see someone writing something bad about the company. What can I say?  I was there for 11 years, I go in on a Monday, work for four flipping hours and THEN I'm told that "my position with the company has been terminated effective immediately". Anger, Hate, Frustration - minimal to say the least.  And NOW I am getting accused, as indirectly as it may be, of writing this blog......

I did assure her that I didn't write it (although secretly i wish i had the balls to), but I don't think she believed me.  What can I say. While I harbor MANY bad feelings about the company, I'm not a piece of shit.  I don't go around destroying peoples lives that don't deserve it.  I may make a comment here and there about how nice it is to be "appreciated" for all the years of service by making me work for 4 hours before telling me i don't have a job any more. Or how nice it must be to have the service department pay for your home central AC system. But to go so low as to post on the internet things that could effect every single employee of the company?  Give me a break!  I need these people as references. Why the hell would I post shit and then expect them to give me a good reference?

It just goes to show you that no matter what kind of person you are, there is always ONE person that fucks it all up for you - and I'm NOT talking about the friend that asked me if I wrote it. She was very hurt and disappointed to even think that I would do something like that so she had to ask me, I know that. But I can assure you that the other "factions", that were so kind enough to rid me of my employment are most positive that I was the one that wrote it.

I don't know if the blog is still there, and because of the content, I am not going to post the link, but I did post the "author" and told her that I was reporting it to blogger because it was personally attacking me at this point.  I don't know what good it is going to do because Blogger/Google supports freedom of speech - which is why there is blogger. I can ask that it be taken down, as there are only two posts up.  Both from February of this year.  Nothing more.  Its almost as though it was a blogger wanna-be that never went anywhere.
I may not be a pro-blogger, but even I know that to have a successful blog, you have to post to it more than twice in 3 months.......

Well, I guess to sum it all up, I am in the hot seat for something I didn't do, so I had to send an email to one of the two people that I loathe the most over there at that company, and explain that it wasn't me and if I were to stoop to that level, I would have called their customers to expose them and would have given a story to a friggen local newspaper....... to hell with a blog.  They don't do shit. UNLESS they are shown to the right, or wrong people.  Depending on how you are looking at it.

Apparently this isn't going to blow over any time soon.  Who the hell knows when the blog is going to come down, or if it even will.  No matter how I feel about the company, I wouldn't stoop to that level.........even if it DID make me smile, just a little to read it.

I Would Like To Introduce You To Someone............Me

So many times we are judged, labeled or just misunderstood.  It's very sad that people don't take the time to get to know someone before passing judgement on them.  I've seen it all.  People profess to be all knowing, wonderful people that would give you the shirt off their back, but when it comes to going into the discount store and buying a blanket for the homeless man that is covered with only a coat on a cold night?  They wouldn't hear of it.  Instead?  "Maybe if they got a job they wouldn't be sleeping on the street."  or "They chose that life." What they don't know is that homeless man sleeping on the street, clutching only a photograph in his hand? Watched in horror as his pregnant wife and two children were killed by a drunk driver that ran a red light.  Or the man sleeping on the street that keeps shouting in his sleep?  Served four tours over seas since joining the service at the age of 19, watched women and children killed in front of him, his friends blown apart by grenades and land mines and has constant nightmares in which he is shouting for them to take cover.  It sickens me to know that people who claim to be compassionate, caring individuals can be so callous and judgmental.

So why am I writing this?  While my situation is not as extreme as those I portrayed in my examples, I too have been judged, labeled and misunderstood.  Now its my turn, just to introduce myself to you with the hope that you can actually see just who it is you "think" you know.

Most of the time, you will see a happy, fun person standing in front of you.  What you cannot see is that I am broken inside.  I am held together with Faith, strength, love for life itself and a will to survive. I long for the moment when I can be alone to cry.  To release the pain, the hurt, and the sorrow that you will never ever see on the outside.

I am a person that will love beyond all faults.  I do not judge you because you have faults, I look past them and see who you are inside, the real you.

There are times you see me and I am not happy.  I am frustrated, angry, loud and can sometimes be taken as being a bitch or aggressive.  When you see me like this,  I am having a hard time being strong.  I am having a hard time being compassionate.  I am having a hard time being understanding.  I seem as though I hate the world. I seem that way because inside I am fighting a battle that words cannot explain.  A battle I am fighting alone. Those are the times I feel like I am losing the battle with no one to hold my hand to give me the strength I need to continue.No one to stand by my side and tell me that I am not alone. You will never know or be able to understand the battles I am fighting, inside, alone.

I am a compassionate person.  I WILL give that poor soul sleeping outside a blanket and a cup of coffee to keep him warm.  I WILL give you a hug when no one else will, just to let you  know you are not alone.  I WILL hold your hand to give you strength, stand by your side and tell you that you are not alone.

If I am quiet, it is not because I have nothing to say, it is because I do not feel you are ready to hear and accept what I am thinking.  I will respect your feelings, even if you do not respect mine.  I will always be a good person, even if you choose not to be. I am a loyal, trusting person.  Sometimes I trust too easily.

I will never hit you, push you, belittle you or think ill will of you, even though you may  to me.  I will always stand strong, even when it hurts.  I will never let you see or let you know that the way you are treating me is one of the reasons I am so broken inside.  I will smile if you take everything away from me that makes me.......well, me  and tell you "its ok, it really doesn't matter" when in truth it matters very much.

Oh I can go on and on but this will give you an idea about me.  the REAL me, not the me that everyone thinks I am.  Sure, I am not mean, I am not aggressive, I will not fight. Does that make me a bad person because I am treated like a doormat because I will not fight?  I will not stand up for myself for fear of STARTING a fight?  Oh sure, I argue, yell etc. but I am usually the one that loses, because I give in.  I don't want to fight and if the only way to end it is to give in, so be it.

When I look back on my life, I see pain,  a lot of mistakes and heart ache. When I look forward I don't really see much different. But I move on clinging to the hope that someday, things will be different. I hide all my problems behind my smile.  You may think you know me but you really know very little about me.

Maybe that's the wrong way to look at things, I'm sure there are those that will tell me It is all my fault that I am the person I am because I let people walk all over me.  You know what? Maybe they're right but this is me.

So now its up to you.  Now that you know more about me, the real me not the me you think I am, if you like me I will be the most loyal, trusting friend you will ever have.  If your mind is made up and you still want to pass judgement on me....then maybe you aren't worth my friendship.

So here I am.  Time for you to sit back and think about whether or not you judged me fairly.  Before you make your decision, just remember this. Before you judge me, my life, my personality or my character, step  into my shoes feel the pain, the hurt, the heartache, cry the tears and live the life I am living.  Then, if you happen to get as far as I have maybe, just maybe you will realize how strong I really am and think twice before you judge me ever again.

  

On the uphill climb......sort of.......

Wow.  Looking at my blog I'm a little taken aback that it has been so long since my last entry.  Life has a way of doing that sometimes though. Come to think of it, I think life has something against me because it seemingly finds humor in keeping me down and then kicking the shit out of me.

I'm pretty much used to it by now.  I used to ask myself "when is something good going to happen for me?"  Now, it's more along the lines of "How much time do I have before the next round?"

From childhood "trauma", to abusive spouses, brain tumors and raising grand kids, one can gain a lot of experience.  It may not be the best experience, but it is life experience, good or bad.  In my case, its pretty much been bad. BUT, it is a learning experience none-the-less.

Being unemployed when I never thought I would be has really left an impact.  I got to a point of depression that I never thought I would reach.  Did I let it effect my daily life? No.  I pretty  much kept everything inside, but unfortunately it was visible in comments, posts, etc to friends.  They knew something was wrong, especially my sister. Shoot, she even told me to get on meds lol.  Gotta love her.
And then there is good old Face Book.  What would I do without my network of friends?  It seems as though they are the ones I turn to when things go wrong, rather than those that are physically here with me.  Sometimes it's those friends that listen the best.

So now I am at a point in my life where while still depressed, not at the level I had been at.  I found a job making significantly less than I had been making, but I saw the potential.  There is room for advancement.  Not a lot, but if I can come close to making what I was, I will be happy.  Now we just have to lower our "means" a bit.  When you are used to living a certain life style and now you are no longer able to, that in itself is a learning process.  I was actually contemplating cashing in my 401k to pay off my bills so that we can "start over" again.  Oh it isn't alot.  I didn't start my 401k right away.  It took a few years, so I had only been putting into it for about 8 of the 12 years I was working.  Anyhow, as long as I don't kill my husband, there is his pension to fall back on when we retire if needed.  Lord knows we will - at the rate the government is going, social security will be out of money by the time we retire.

Once again I manage to ramble on in my blog instead of getting to the point.  Now if i can only remember what the point of this post was to begin with.  Oh yes. The job. Re-entering the status of "employed" with an entry level job......I guess I should be happy that it is a job.  I would have liked to stay on unemployment, but I have never been much of a risk taker.  Here was this job right in town, gas savings right off the bat, room for advancement, small friendly atmosphere.  Would something like that come along again?  What if I passed it up to stay on unemployment with the mindset that "another job like that will come along".  Knowing the kind of curve balls that life has been throwing at me, I would end up with even a lower paying job when my unemployment ran out.  I wasn't willing to take that risk.

So here I am, sitting at my computer writing a blog entry.  I should be finishing up what I have to do around the house and haven't had a chance to because I had a job.  Starting on Monday - that's the same routine I am going to fall into and won't get anything done.  But my life will be back to normal.  Well, sort of.

Catching the curve ball

Its a bittersweet moment when you realize that you no longer have a job to go to every morning.  That same routine that you repeated over, and over, and over again for 12 years suddenly disappears.  There is that part of you that sighs a breath of relief that your day wont be so hectic any more, but then there is that other part of you that shouts OMG! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO????
Now its number crunching time (yay for me the math major).  First we bundle the cable phone and internet and save ourselves 75.00 a month.  Then, we loose the data on one of the cell phones.  Mine.  I'm usually on the computer anyway and it can still pick up the internet if i am connected to a wifi.  Another 30 bucks a month.  Now to Verizon.  The mobile broadband we use when we travel to the outer edges of civilization in Northern Vermont and Maine.  Suspend that for 6 months and save another 67.00 a month.
Now on to unemployment....Have you ever dealt with unemployment before?  You may as well wrap a rubber band around your head and attach the phone to your ear because you are going to be on the phone for a long time. That is IF you can even get anywhere.  Now its all about what number your social ends with.  Oh sure you can file the claim on line, but if you don't have all the information and want to go back, you have to wait until the day that corresponds with the last digit of your social.  I mean, really????
Oh well, who am I to judge the way the great state of Connecticut handles their affairs.  I just live here.
Then you realize that there are things you wanted to do this year that you probably won't be able to do now.  You need to pinch every single penny.  No money can be spent making your dreams come true.  Once again, they go on the back burner.  You are in survival mode now because you used to be the big bread winner.  Now you are low man on the financial totem pole but you still have a family to provide for and bills to pay. So now the hunt is on for a job.  Tweek that 12 year old resume, get on CT Jobs and see whats out there. Try to squeeze into those business suits you used to wear and find something that fits in hopes someone will call you in for an interview. Then, just wait. clean your house, hunt for more jobs, cry a little, throw things, bury your face in a pillow and cry some more.  Then, get up, and try to figure out what you are going to do with yourself for the rest of the day.
Yeah, people say it will all work out in the end, something will come up, but thats easy for them to say.  THEY have a job......... I'm "old".  What employer is going to pick me over a sassy lil thang that just got out of college and now has letters after her name. I mean what IS it about those letters? I can run CIRCLES around these little sassy britches who think they know how to sit behind a desk just because they have a piece of paper.  I was sitting behind a desk and busting my hump when they were still playing with barbie dolls.
Oh well, I guess life has a way of throwing you curve balls.  Guess all that matters now is if you are going to try to catch it and move on, or stay where you are and get knocked on your ass. Personally - i played varsity softball....and i still have my glove.

The Road to Sunshine

The Road to Sunshine

By MJ Williams

           

I have never thought of myself as old, and I still don’t.  I can certainly put my body through the wringer every now and then, as my mind tells me I am one age and my body asks what the heck do I think I’m doing!

I yearn at times to be “young” again, and I am speaking of chronological age, as well as physical body and ability.  To be able to run and play endlessly, eat anything I want and not gain weight, stay up late, sleep late, or if I choose, be up before the sun.  Not a care in the world.  The innocence of youth……..yes, I do yearn for it.  Then I ask myself, do I REALLY want to be a child again?  Sometimes I can fool myself into saying yes, but I know that if given the chance, I wouldn’t change a thing.

During my childhood,  I have certainly had my fair share of mishaps, bad luck, and heartbreaks.  Losing a beloved pet.  Breaking three fingers on my right hand horsing around with my little sister. (even though we weren’t supposed to be in the house), my first crush on a boy, only to find out that he liked my older sister.  Getting into the teen years and adulthood were even more interesting.  Splitting my knee open diving into home plate during a high school softball game.  Getting my first car, and losing it a day later because my stepfather wanted to drive it instead.  Moving in with my aunt and uncle at the age of 16, my grandmother at the age of 17, my friends from church at the age of 18 and 6 months later moving in with my fiancé.  Married at the age of 19, one son at the age of 20 and another son at the age of 22.  Thinking about it all, I never really had a chance to experience life.

Would I change anything?  No,  not at all.  I have two wonderful boys, and now I have a wonderful husband. (my second marriage).  I snowmobile; we take our dog Sadie out on the boat with us.  We go camping. Our lives are just so full!  Is our marriage perfect?  Of course not.  We say things in anger that we regret afterwards.  We both came from previous relationships that scarred us, so there is always that residue that is tainting our completeness. Neither one of us wants to get hurt again. But we love each other.  That’s what keeps us going, moves us past those painful memories, and helps us to focus on the future.  We have had our share of heartaches, losing three beloved pets all within a year, making us feel like all the sunshine had gone out of our lives, and filled us with only rain.

I can look at all the rain in my life and focus on that, or build on bringing back the sunshine. It is a tough road to travel.  Just when I am able to take 2 steps forward, something happens that makes me have to take 4 steps back.  Frustrating?  You bet.  Sometimes I wonder what on earth is the reason for my “bad luck”.  Then I focus on my “Sunshine”.  What exactly is my Sunshine?  My husband Bill.  My younger son Erik who is autistic.  My oldest son Michael, and the fact that I am going to be a grandmother for the first time.  Michael, is in the Navy and he and his wife Jennifer are expecting their first child in October.  October 2^nd to be exact.  At first I go back to the earlier part of this story and think about how “old” I am, or how “old” being a grandmother is going to make me feel, and then I think about how much Sunshine this little child will bring to my life.  Being a part of his life, (yes, it’s a boy!)  watching him grow up, seeing the joy that he will bring to my son and daughter-in-law, thinking about all the ways I can spoil him and then send him home.  Hold him in my arms and know that this is MY grandson, and he will just capture my heart.  Knowing and feeling all this, makes it possible for me to leave all the rain behind and find my way along the road to sunshine.

  

©2008 MJ Williams