A Very Important Life Lesson Learned......The Hard Way

With everything that has been going on the past couple of days, I think I can finally say that "I hope its over". After being silently and indirectly accused of writing a blog that I certainly did not write, the whole fiasco has finally come to its fruition.

When I was first confronted about the blog, I was a little shocked, but more so disappointed at the fact that I was believed to have been the "author".  I did the only thing I could do - reassure the caller that I did NOT write the blog, I would contact blogger/Google and report it if I could, and would certainly try to find out who it was that wrote it, as now, I was in the spotlight for something I didn't do.
Of course, I commented on the blog in a positive nature, because honestly, it brought me a little bit of joy. Mean?  No, I don't think so.  Just the thought that someone was doing what I knew I wouldn't have the balls to do, fascinated me for just a short moment.

I tried to report it, but it would have had to have been illegal, spam, impersonating someone, etc. so all I could do was email them to express my opinion, let them know that it was targeting me as the author, indirectly targeting people that are not   I also made it PERFECTLY clear on Facebook that I was NOT the author.  It didn't take long for Google to contact the author as the next day there was a post apologizing.  Things just weren't sitting right with me at this point.  The more I read the blog, the more it made my stomach turn.  The information was eerily familiar to me, and it was then that I realized what had happened.

Back in July of 2012 when I lost my job, I confided in a friend that I had met 8 years ago.  I considered her a good friend, close.  We talked often, she would vent to me, I would vent to her and we became really good friends.  Well, I vented to her after I lost my job.  Telling her that IF I wanted to get back at them  I have SO much information about their business practices, the service manager "embezzling" etc. that I could really ruin their reputation.  Unfortunately for me, I went into detail, not realizing that her "journalist" side was anxious for a hot story apparently.

I confided in her, I vented to her and she betrayed my trust, my confidence and ruined our friendship.  Good intentions or not (she apparently felt she was helping me), she caused a lot of problems because the owner of the company was blaming me for the blog. Oh sure she has tried to apologize, telling me she wasn't thinking, etc. but I just can not forgive her right now for what she did.  She could have done something that would have caused a lot of good people to lose their jobs and THAT is the reason that I didn't do anything.

Hopefully now everything is done and over with.  She has "apologized", taken down the blog and "promised" that she did nothing else with it as she claimed she was going to.  This incident has opened up my eyes and taught me a very valuable lesson.    TRUST NO ONE. Unfortunately I had to learn it the hard way, but I think life has been trying to tell me that for a while now.  It just took this long for me to listen.

Despite everything, I'm sure that my past employer still thinks it was me.  After all the years of loyal service I put into that company (I even passed up on an offer with a different company, making a little more money because I actually liked my job), you would think they would know me better than that.  Actually it really doesn't mater what they think because I know the truth.  That's what matters and if that isn't good enough for them, they can kiss my unemployed ass.

WOW! Reality just slapped me in the face....I think.......

Ever have one of those days that just isn't going well and then you get a big SMACK in the face that puts the cherry on top of the sundae?  Lets chalk today up as one of those days.

I got a call on my cell phone, a missed call from a woman that I used to work with. Someone that I consider a very dear friend and would do anything for.  She didn't leave a message so I called her at work, not knowing what it was all about.

When she answered the phone, there was the usual exchange of pleasantries and then came the smack.  And what a big one at that.  I don't think I was expecting what came next.  She asked me if I was the one that wrote the blog.......

A couple months ago, one of my facebook friends brought something to my attention.  A blog on the internet regarding the company I used to work for.  I read it and for a moment it actually gave me pleasure to see someone writing something bad about the company. What can I say?  I was there for 11 years, I go in on a Monday, work for four flipping hours and THEN I'm told that "my position with the company has been terminated effective immediately". Anger, Hate, Frustration - minimal to say the least.  And NOW I am getting accused, as indirectly as it may be, of writing this blog......

I did assure her that I didn't write it (although secretly i wish i had the balls to), but I don't think she believed me.  What can I say. While I harbor MANY bad feelings about the company, I'm not a piece of shit.  I don't go around destroying peoples lives that don't deserve it.  I may make a comment here and there about how nice it is to be "appreciated" for all the years of service by making me work for 4 hours before telling me i don't have a job any more. Or how nice it must be to have the service department pay for your home central AC system. But to go so low as to post on the internet things that could effect every single employee of the company?  Give me a break!  I need these people as references. Why the hell would I post shit and then expect them to give me a good reference?

It just goes to show you that no matter what kind of person you are, there is always ONE person that fucks it all up for you - and I'm NOT talking about the friend that asked me if I wrote it. She was very hurt and disappointed to even think that I would do something like that so she had to ask me, I know that. But I can assure you that the other "factions", that were so kind enough to rid me of my employment are most positive that I was the one that wrote it.

I don't know if the blog is still there, and because of the content, I am not going to post the link, but I did post the "author" and told her that I was reporting it to blogger because it was personally attacking me at this point.  I don't know what good it is going to do because Blogger/Google supports freedom of speech - which is why there is blogger. I can ask that it be taken down, as there are only two posts up.  Both from February of this year.  Nothing more.  Its almost as though it was a blogger wanna-be that never went anywhere.
I may not be a pro-blogger, but even I know that to have a successful blog, you have to post to it more than twice in 3 months.......

Well, I guess to sum it all up, I am in the hot seat for something I didn't do, so I had to send an email to one of the two people that I loathe the most over there at that company, and explain that it wasn't me and if I were to stoop to that level, I would have called their customers to expose them and would have given a story to a friggen local newspaper....... to hell with a blog.  They don't do shit. UNLESS they are shown to the right, or wrong people.  Depending on how you are looking at it.

Apparently this isn't going to blow over any time soon.  Who the hell knows when the blog is going to come down, or if it even will.  No matter how I feel about the company, I wouldn't stoop to that level.........even if it DID make me smile, just a little to read it.

I Would Like To Introduce You To Someone............Me

So many times we are judged, labeled or just misunderstood.  It's very sad that people don't take the time to get to know someone before passing judgement on them.  I've seen it all.  People profess to be all knowing, wonderful people that would give you the shirt off their back, but when it comes to going into the discount store and buying a blanket for the homeless man that is covered with only a coat on a cold night?  They wouldn't hear of it.  Instead?  "Maybe if they got a job they wouldn't be sleeping on the street."  or "They chose that life." What they don't know is that homeless man sleeping on the street, clutching only a photograph in his hand? Watched in horror as his pregnant wife and two children were killed by a drunk driver that ran a red light.  Or the man sleeping on the street that keeps shouting in his sleep?  Served four tours over seas since joining the service at the age of 19, watched women and children killed in front of him, his friends blown apart by grenades and land mines and has constant nightmares in which he is shouting for them to take cover.  It sickens me to know that people who claim to be compassionate, caring individuals can be so callous and judgmental.

So why am I writing this?  While my situation is not as extreme as those I portrayed in my examples, I too have been judged, labeled and misunderstood.  Now its my turn, just to introduce myself to you with the hope that you can actually see just who it is you "think" you know.

Most of the time, you will see a happy, fun person standing in front of you.  What you cannot see is that I am broken inside.  I am held together with Faith, strength, love for life itself and a will to survive. I long for the moment when I can be alone to cry.  To release the pain, the hurt, and the sorrow that you will never ever see on the outside.

I am a person that will love beyond all faults.  I do not judge you because you have faults, I look past them and see who you are inside, the real you.

There are times you see me and I am not happy.  I am frustrated, angry, loud and can sometimes be taken as being a bitch or aggressive.  When you see me like this,  I am having a hard time being strong.  I am having a hard time being compassionate.  I am having a hard time being understanding.  I seem as though I hate the world. I seem that way because inside I am fighting a battle that words cannot explain.  A battle I am fighting alone. Those are the times I feel like I am losing the battle with no one to hold my hand to give me the strength I need to continue.No one to stand by my side and tell me that I am not alone. You will never know or be able to understand the battles I am fighting, inside, alone.

I am a compassionate person.  I WILL give that poor soul sleeping outside a blanket and a cup of coffee to keep him warm.  I WILL give you a hug when no one else will, just to let you  know you are not alone.  I WILL hold your hand to give you strength, stand by your side and tell you that you are not alone.

If I am quiet, it is not because I have nothing to say, it is because I do not feel you are ready to hear and accept what I am thinking.  I will respect your feelings, even if you do not respect mine.  I will always be a good person, even if you choose not to be. I am a loyal, trusting person.  Sometimes I trust too easily.

I will never hit you, push you, belittle you or think ill will of you, even though you may  to me.  I will always stand strong, even when it hurts.  I will never let you see or let you know that the way you are treating me is one of the reasons I am so broken inside.  I will smile if you take everything away from me that makes me.......well, me  and tell you "its ok, it really doesn't matter" when in truth it matters very much.

Oh I can go on and on but this will give you an idea about me.  the REAL me, not the me that everyone thinks I am.  Sure, I am not mean, I am not aggressive, I will not fight. Does that make me a bad person because I am treated like a doormat because I will not fight?  I will not stand up for myself for fear of STARTING a fight?  Oh sure, I argue, yell etc. but I am usually the one that loses, because I give in.  I don't want to fight and if the only way to end it is to give in, so be it.

When I look back on my life, I see pain,  a lot of mistakes and heart ache. When I look forward I don't really see much different. But I move on clinging to the hope that someday, things will be different. I hide all my problems behind my smile.  You may think you know me but you really know very little about me.

Maybe that's the wrong way to look at things, I'm sure there are those that will tell me It is all my fault that I am the person I am because I let people walk all over me.  You know what? Maybe they're right but this is me.

So now its up to you.  Now that you know more about me, the real me not the me you think I am, if you like me I will be the most loyal, trusting friend you will ever have.  If your mind is made up and you still want to pass judgement on me....then maybe you aren't worth my friendship.

So here I am.  Time for you to sit back and think about whether or not you judged me fairly.  Before you make your decision, just remember this. Before you judge me, my life, my personality or my character, step  into my shoes feel the pain, the hurt, the heartache, cry the tears and live the life I am living.  Then, if you happen to get as far as I have maybe, just maybe you will realize how strong I really am and think twice before you judge me ever again.