The Hypocritical Jesus Bitch

It amazes me how after 40 years of graduating someone can still possess the same childish, high school behavior as they did that long ago.

I had the wonderful pleasure of being bullied in high school.  Maybe it had something to do with the fact I was a straight A student, maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was quiet.  Could even have been due to the fact that since the age of 12 I was almost 6' tall.  I'm going with all three.
The bullying and torture I endured while "enjoying" my high school years didn't come to an end until my mother felt I needed to go to a private school.  Before that happened though, my school days were a living hell.

You do what you can to survive and hope that you never have to experience the bullying again.  No on can be that lucky. Well, not me any way.

I am the type of person that really does try like hell to avoid conflict at all cost.  That's probably why I allow myself to get stepped on and treated like shit all the time.  If I stand up for myself it creates conflict, fighting and who knows what else so I just let it be and deal with it.  My day will come. Until that time, I do what I need to do to get through life with the least amount of conflict possible.

A couple days ago at work, I was having an absolutely terrible day.  I was quiet, didn't say much, just did what I had to do to get through the day so I have no idea how other people perceived it.  Apparently the HJB  perceived it as "I am a very angry person and if I don't think so I need to change my face."  huh.  Didn't think faces could be changed.  I thought the one I had was the one I was stuck with for the rest of my life.  Regardless, I said nothing, kept working.

Comments would fly between HJB and her friend that I will call Ellen.  (They used to work together at a different company as well)  I knew the comments were directed toward me however I chose to keep my mouth shut.  If I said anything, it would not be pretty. For either of us.

The straw that broke the camels back was when she called me pathetic because I can't learn via video tutorials.  I need a written outline and hands on.  that's how I learn.  I proceeded to tell her that she needs to not be so judgemental of me an it really bothers me how someone that professes to be as Godly as she does, can pass judgement so easily.  I have a lot of shit going on, I am overwhelmed at work, I am overwhelmed at home.  I am more alone than she will ever feel and I live with a man who is supposed to be my mate yet will not hesitate to call me a useless fucking cunt because I won't give him the keys to the car when he is drunk.

What I am going to say next is the reason I don't stand up for myself, I keep my mouth shut, and avoid conflict.

I was accused of having a victim mentality, which she totally abhors, I need to stop being pathetic, stop being a victim and accept the fact that made the choice to have the life I do.  then she proceeded to laugh about it with Ellen, and even share it with one of her other co workers, having a laugh with them as well.

To that, I said nothing. Do I agree with her?  Absolutely not.  A victim?  Yes.  We all are a victim of one kind or another.  I happen to be a victim of circumstance.  I did not choose to lose my job so that when the point came that when I wanted to leave, I was not able to.  I did not choose to get a job that did not pay me enough to support myself.  I did not choose to have a child that would eventually get into legal trouble and I would end up caring for his child.  Circumstances did that for me.  I can not change what has happened, I can only hope and pray that someday my circumstances will change so that I can make different choices.

To have to deal with a bully like I did in high school really pains me because no matter how old you get, it still hurts to hear comments.  It hurts to know that people are talking about you behind your back. It hurts to get put down because you don't learn the same way, or achieve the end result the same way as HJB.  I did end up going to HR to just "advise" them of the situation because I didn't know how far she would take it.  You know, had to cover MY ass first.  That's how I roll.

Of course now I am branded a tattle tale but I really don't give a shit. I can deal with the whispers when my co workers walk by me because of the gossip/rumors that she has spread.  I can overlook she and Ellen whispering and throwing comments around.  What I can't deal with is someone using the Word of God and the Blessed name of Jesus as a way to show how you "live your life" only to do exactly the opposite of what He would. 

Well, I don't work there any more thank God.  Turns out she was in a really bad car accident (Karma is bitch isn't it?), survived (thank goodness - I do not wish death on anyone), but had a lot of recovery to go through.  Ellen is still there but now I work for such an awesome company.  Family owned business, Auto body, Service, etc.  and if I hadn't gotten laid off from the other company I never would have found this place. 

I guess things happen for a reason no matter how bad they are.

Note:  I started writing this post in 2018.  With the care my boy needed, I was unable to finish it so I did today.

 

Some days are better than others.  I am a Grandmother, a Mom, a nurse, a comforter, an advocate and somewhere in all that I still have to be an individual.  Pffft.  There isn't any time for me. Hasn't been for a while.

In August of 2017, my 8 year old was diagnosed with AML:  Acute Myeloid Leukemia which is extremely aggressive and rare in children.  There aren't a lot of treatment options on a pediatric level because this normally occurs in adults.  Go figure.  My kid has to get the hard one to treat.  When he was diagnosed we almost lost him - he got septic and ended up in the PICU.  I'm not going to go into detail because I have another series of posts entitled AML: Living with Leukemia.  I don't have a lot of time on my hands but I post to that segment of my blog whenever  I have the chance.  It's our story and our journey.

The first year was the standard treatment, four rounds of chemo consisting of one month in the hospital for each round of treatment.  In December he was considered in remission so I was hopeful we had really taken care of it.  Nope.  In April of 18 his leukemia came back with a vengeance. It wasn't responding to chemo, our treatment options were dwindling and we needed to get him to Boston for a bone marrow transplant.  In order to do that the disease had to be less than 2%.  We never got to that point, but his Oncologist pleaded his case and Boston accepted him with 5% disease.   Transplant was a success even though the transplant doctor told us that he would probably die there.  The new cells grafted in about 10 days and within a month we were home.  Unfortunately, again, he relapsed and this time it was the last.

Everyone knows that each time cancer relapses its harder  to get into remission.  Try as we might it didn't happen.  While he was a fighter against the cancer, his immunodeficiency made it impossible for him to fight the fungal pneumonia he got.   5 months after his cancer relapsed again, he gained his angel wings. He was unable to fight the pneumonia and it encompassed the entirety of his lungs.  He took his last breath in my arms on September 15, 2019.

Being a cancer mom is the most God awful thing in the world. Especially when the disease claims the life of a 10 year old little boy.  A little boy so full of life, so full of spit and vinegar, so full of fight, only to be taken down by pneumonia that his body couldn't fight because his immune system was compromised from all the chemo.  I wouldn't wish this on any parent. Ever.

Now, I find myself having more bad days than good.  I find my days full of heartache, tears and emptiness.  My child was my purpose, my best friend and now he is gone.  Will I ever find a new purpose?  I really don't know.  All I know right now is that the direction of my life will be uncertain for a very, very long time.