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About the Author

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Plainville, CT, United States
Having achieved my goal of becoming a published author, I contribute it to the fact that I have been writing since the age of 9. My boys were the inspiration for my children's stories and my life is the inspiration for my autobiography. I have a tendency to write about whatever I feel, relevant, interesting or not. I welcome any comments you may have, positive or constructive. Thank you so much for visiting and following my blog, My life.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

5.26.16

I'm starting to get used to not being able to talk to you a lot.  My first husband worked third shift so I know what its like.  You have to have a clear understanding of the half ass backwards sleep and work schedule that interferes with everyday life.  Your weekends are Friday and Saturday, not Saturday and Sunday.  I have something really great that I want to tell you but I can't because you're sleeping.  I'm going to have to figure out a new way of communicating.  I have so much I want to say to you but can't.

It was so nice to hear your voice today.  Not being able to talk to you yesterday really frustrated me. Chatting is one thing but actually hearing your voice is another.  You really make me laugh when we talk.  I love that feeling as it really doesn't happen often these days.

I had enough work to keep me busy but you really are stuck in my head.  I have to keep my mind on my work or it ends up being stuck on you.  When that happens I get absolutely nothing done at all. I'm glad I was able to focus today, talking to you really helped a lot.

Thinking about the possibility of seeing you tomorrow really gets my heart pumping.  I know it will only be for a few minutes before I have to go back to work, but it will mean so much to me I cant put the feeling into words.  I have to go away for the weekend which I'm looking forward to because I love Vermont so much.  I'm just not sure of what Saturday will hold.  Bill and Axel are going fishing and i'm staying at the house.  This will prove to be quite interesting and make for an exceptional journal entry.  I know that if I don't get to see you tomorrow my weekend will suck, but if its because you are tired I'll have to understand.  That doesn't mean I have to like it.  You need your sleep. I get it. I guess we'll have to wait for tomorrow to see what happens.

I sent a full selfie today but I really hesitated because of my belly.  I've always been self conscious of it and have even resorted to looking into a tummy tuck but its too expensive.  You happened to say hi to me from work but weren't able to say much more than that so I really don't know what you thought about it.  Guess I'll have to wait to hear about that one too.

Bill behaving today.  He had to work after work which helps because he drinks beer and then comes home nice.  It makes for a pleasant argument-free evening which is always a blessing.  Now I'm sitting here watching the red sox game, (they are losing tonight) he is in bed and I'm getting ready.  I keep thinking about everything I have to do prior to leaving tomorrow and somehow you always creep into those thoughts too.

Oh well, another day down, I have tomorrow to look forward to.  wish I could have talked to you more tonight but getting in trouble at work isn't something I want to happen, so I'll have to make do.

Until tomorrow - good night and sweet dreams.


Wednesday, May 25, 2016

5.25.16

It seems as though rather than dread going to bed at night because I don't want tomorrow to come, I am actually looking forward to it now.

Today went well.  The first thing I do when I get up is get my coffee and reach for my phone so I can say good morning to you. Even though we aren't actually talking to each other, I really look forward to our chats.

It sucks when you get held over or have to go in to work early because then I don't get to talk to you as long.  Kind of like today.  You had to go into work early so our time this am was cut short.  Not only that, I didn't get to talk to you at lunch time.

My 45 minutes in the afternoon that I get to talk to you is one of the highlights of my day.  I feel so young again, so "giddy" when It gets closer to lunch time just knowing that I'm going to be able to hear your voice.  Today, I was super bummed, not to mention I didn't know what to do with myself.

It's weird sometimes.  When you have someone in your life that is important, that you care about, even love, your whole perspective on life changes.  Here I am, married yet alone.  The highlight of my social life is getting my hair cut and going grocery shopping or to Walmart.  Other than that I have no life.  Now when I say married, I use the term only because I'm not divorced yet.

Being in a sucky relationship has its ups and downs and the worse it gets the more downs there are. Hence, the comment in the beginning about dreading tomorrow before I found you.  Eventually I'll be able to change my situation, but that's going to take a second job and no time for myself whatsoever.   I see it in my future, but not until little league season is over.

I do have to say I got a lot of work done today.  Kept myself busy but I still kept looking at my phone just in case you happened to get up and send me a message.  There never was one but it didn't keep me from looking.

I have so much I want to say to you but I'm so afraid that I'm going to end up talking too much and scare you away, say the wrong thing or make you feel uncomfortable. Thats the last thing I want to happen but my feelings are so strong I can't help it sometimes.  I only hope that you will be kind with your words and let me know if its too much, too fast.

I remembered you saying that you were going into work early again tonight which means another day of not talking to you.  I'm not sure I like this whole going in early thing.

At least I got to chat with you a bit before going to bed which was a great ending to my night.  I'm glad you were able to answer, even if it was only for a minute.  Now, I have a great ending to the day, I can go to bed with a smile and greet tomorrow morning with a "good morning" to a wonderful man.


Tuesday, May 24, 2016

5.24.16

I couldn't wait for today to get here.  How long has it been?  26 years?  Feels like a lifetime.  I was finally going to get to see you again, that's all that mattered now.  I must have changed my shirt half a dozen times this mornng, finding just the right thing to wear.  Not too revealing, but worthy to wear to work.
Shoot. I was acting and feeling like a school girl again.  I was so excited I had a hard time making it through my day, but I finally did.

I admit, it was hard to concentrate, but I managed to muddle through.  The minutes seemed like hours to me, time appeared to be advancing so slowly, the anticipation was excruciating.

When afternoon finally came I at least saw a light at the end of the tunnel.  I tried not to look at the clock because if I did I knew that time would appear to be standing still again and I certainly didn't want that to happen.

Finally it was time to leave.  I made one last trip to the ladies room to make sure I looked ok and then took off.  I kept checking my phone for a message from you telling me what type of car you were driving so I could watch for you but I never got one.  I shrugged it off as just you waiting until the last possible moment to get up so that you would lose as little sleep as possible.  You would send a message, I was sure of it.

There it was, Denny's.  That's where I was finally going to be able to see you again!  I pulled in, carefully looking at each vehicle in the parking lot to see if you were sitting in one of them.  Not yet!  I made it first.  I went to the back of the parking lot, but still in a spot where you would see me when you pulled in, and I waited quite anxiously for your arrival.

I decided to pull out my phone and play a game to make the time pass quicker.  I checked the clock.....It was already 4pm.  I had been sitting there for 20 minutes waiting for you.  Maybe you got up late?  I decided to send you a text just to let you know where I was parked.  I didn't get a reply and I started to get sad.  I had to be careful, I had to go in to a meeting in 25 minutes so I couldn't cry or I would ruin my makeup.  15 minutes.  I would wait 15 more minutes and then I would have not choice - I would have to go into my meeting.  I decided to play a little more on my phone to pass the time.
The next time I looked up at the clock it was 4:25.  Time to go.  I couldn't wait any longer so I sent you a text that I was sorry to have missed you, and then went to my meeting.

I guess I probably shouldn't have gotten so excited and expected you to be there.  I knew you worked 3rd shift and I knew that you were sleeping and would have to wake up in order to come see me. I have no one to blame but myself for getting my hopes up.

I try so hard to understand, but my heart just wants to be sad right now so I think I'll let it.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Once In a Lifetime.....or is it?

Being the middle child, life at home proved to have its challenges so at the age of 15, I went to live with relatives in another state.
With a 4 year old cousin as my new shadow, life presented new challenges but this time they took on a whole new meaning.  Little did I know that my biggest challenge was yet to come.

Everyone has that "zing" in their life.  That time when you meet someone, look into their eyes, see their smile, and you just "zing". Well, this is my "zing" story.  Now mind you this was quite some time ago. I may not get every detail correct so bear with me and I'll try to get as close to accurate as possible.

We went to visit another aunt and uncle for a birthday. I'm going to try to refrain the best I can from using names for privacy reasons so I'll try not to lose you with all the "he's" and "she's".  This was the first time I met them.....and him.

I don't know if he saw me right away but I most certainly saw him and then he was asked to say hi to me by his parents. He turned around, looked at me, smiled and said "hi!".  Yup. the zing. right then, right there. I don't know if he was going somewhere at that moment, but he didn't leave right away after that.  We talked for a bit, then he left.  Of course the rest of my night was filled with thoughts of where did he go, was he coming back, would I see him again, etc.  The look on my face must have said it all because my Aunt very clearly stated "Don't even think about it."

I did see him several times after that both at his house and mine.  One of the visits was at Christmas and he gave me a yellow rose in a glass vase. I absolutely loved that rose and I carried it with me for years after that, until it finally broke and the rose got so tattered I had no choice but to throw it away.

We started spending a lot of time together. A lot of time.  I guess it was a little too much for comfort because my uncle pulled him aside and told him that he shouldn't be talking to me.  I got the same talk too.  I think, but I'm not sure, his parents may have said something similar as well because my aunt told me that his dad didn't want to see me get hurt.  Why?  Well you see, I was 15 and he was 23.  A 23 year old man doesn't just "fall in love" with a 15 year old high school girl.

While the age difference was clearly the reason for all the "talks" we had with the adults, it still didn't change the fact that we had feelings for each other, or at least I did.  I always thought he did as well, only for the reason that if he had other intentions and wanted to try something, he would have by then but he didn't.  He was always a gentleman so why should I think anything different?

I ended up going back home to my mothers house after that school year and I was absolutely devastated.  I knew that we were being kept apart because of our ages, but I knew that I loved him. This wasn't a school girl crush.  I was absolutely devastated.  I thought I would never see him again.

Now fast forward two years.  I finished high school, met someone else and moved back to Connecticut.  I started out living with  my grandparents but hey, they're my grandparents you know?  So after a little while I ended up living with one of my girlfriends because I didn't want anything to mar my relationship with my grandparents.

I don't know how it happened, but I think I went to visit my cousin and that's when I saw him again. I do remember the smile I got when he saw me.  My heart did the fluttering thing, the whole butterflies in the belly thing all over again.  He came to visit me where I was living and once again the "he's too old for you, be careful.  They only want one thing." I was 17 by that point and still, he remained a perfect gentleman.

We went out a couple more times, one of those times being a small carnival.  On the ride home, we stopped somewhere and just sat there for a while and just talked.  He asked me if I wanted to go sit on the grass so we grabbed a blanket and did just that.  That's when he kissed me for the first time.  I mean REALLY kissed me.  Even at this point he remained a gentleman. Gentle, never tried to take advantage of me in any way.  He asked me if he could be with me, asked me if I wanted to, am I sure, at least a dozen times.  That was a night I will never, ever forget.  Ever.

I think that was the last time we were ever together.  I don't know what happened after that.  Maybe its because I don't care to remember.  All I know is that again, I was devastated.  My heart was broken into a million pieces and I didn't think it would ever mend again.

About 6 years later I did see him, but this time I was married with kids.  It was at my aunts funeral unfortunately.  The minute I saw him I knew that I still loved him very, very much but it was something I would have to keep to myself.  Again, we had to go our separate ways.  This time, I was pretty sure I wouldn't ever see him again. There were no more family ties left to connect me to him. (before you get any wild ideas, he's adopted)

Fast forward 25 years.  Being through one marriage, the second on the downhill slide, a couple kids and now grandchildren, I found myself surfing facebook, for him. In the 30 years I have known him, I never stopped thinking about him.  I always wondered where he was, what he was doing, was he married, did he have any kids, etc.  In one way or another, He was always on my mind.

I eventually found someone that could be him but I wasn't sure so I sent a message with some identifying characteristics of how  I would know him and expressing my sincerest apologies if he were not who I was looking for. After a couple days went by with no response, I chalked it up as not the person I was looking for and shrugged it off.

When he finally did respond, my heart started racing.  It was him.  He was THE ONE.  I never told him how I felt when I was a girl because I figured it was only one sided and if I told him, I'd get the "we're only friends" line.  I didn't want to hear that so I kept my feelings to myself.  Apparently he did too.  The feelings were the same, so apparently YES, a 23 year old man CAN fall in love with a 15 year old high school girl, and still love her just as much 30 years later.

My one true love in this whole world that I never ever thought I would speak to again, is now back in my life and making me feel very much loved. This time, I am never, ever going to let him go.





Sunday, May 1, 2016

5.1.16

Occasionally, well, ok often, I feel the need to vent about my pathetic life.  If I don't like it, change it you say?  Ok, no problem.  I'll just come up with thousands of dollars for an attorney, thousands of dollars for a psychiatrist for a seven year old that was ripped away from his "dad", friends, school, and every bit of security he has known, live in a homeless shelter or in my car because I can't afford a rent.

It really pisses me off when people think they know so much about someone elses life.  You know what? YOU DON'T so stop acting like you are a perfect, all knowing human being.  You don't know shit about my life, what I've been through and what my current circumstances are so until you do - I have only one thing to say to you: SHUT THE HELL UP AND MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.

I deal with a lot of shit and I consider myself an extremely patient person.  I'm a very loyal friend, a genuinely nice person, I trust too easily and get hurt too often.  I pick my head up and move on.  I deserve respect, consideration, compassion and understanding.  If you want it, you had better be prepared to give it.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

The Hypocritical Jesus Bitch

It amazes me how after 40 years of graduating someone can still possess the same childish, high school behavior as they did that long ago.

I had the wonderful pleasure of being bullied in high school.  Maybe it had something to do with the fact I was a straight A student, maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was quiet.  Could even have been due to the fact that since the age of 12 I was almost 6' tall.  I'm going with all three.
The bullying and torture I endured while "enjoying" my high school years didn't come to an end until my mother felt I needed to go to a private school.  Before that happened though, my school days were a living hell.

You do what you can to survive and hope that you never have to experience the bullying again.  No on can be that lucky. Well, not me any way.

I am the type of person that really does try like hell to avoid conflict at all cost.  That's probably why I allow myself to get stepped on and treated like shit all the time.  If I stand up for myself it creates conflict, fighting and who knows what else so I just let it be and deal with it.  My day will come. Until that time, I do what I need to do to get through life with the least amount of conflict possible.

A couple days ago at work, I was having an absolutely terrible day.  I was quiet, didn't say much, just did what I had to do to get through the day so I have no idea how other people perceived it.  Apparently the HJB  perceived it as "I am a very angry person and if I don't think so I need to change my face."  huh.  Didn't think faces could be changed.  I thought the one I had was the one I was stuck with for the rest of my life.  Regardless, I said nothing, kept working.

Comments would fly between HJB and her friend that I will call Ellen.  (They used to work together at a different company as well)  I knew the comments were directed toward me however I chose to keep my mouth shut.  If I said anything, it would not be pretty. For either of us.

The straw that broke the camels back was when she called me pathetic because I can't learn via video tutorials.  I need a written outline and hands on.  that's how I learn.  I proceeded to tell her that she needs to not be so judgemental of me an it really bothers me how someone that professes to be as Godly as she does, can pass judgement so easily.  I have a lot of shit going on, I am overwhelmed at work, I am overwhelmed at home.  I am more alone than she will ever feel and I live with a man who is supposed to be my mate yet will not hesitate to call me a useless fucking cunt because I won't give him the keys to the car when he is drunk.

What I am going to say next is the reason I don't stand up for myself, I keep my mouth shut, and avoid conflict.

I was accused of having a victim mentality, which she totally abhors, I need to stop being pathetic, stop being a victim and accept the fact that made the choice to have the life I do.  then she proceeded to laugh about it with Ellen, and even share it with one of her other co workers, having a laugh with them as well.

To that, I said nothing. Do I agree with her?  Absolutely not.  A victim?  Yes.  We all are a victim of one kind or another.  I happen to be a victim of circumstance.  I did not choose to lose my job so that when the point came that when I wanted to leave, I was not able to.  I did not choose to get a job that did not pay me enough to support myself.  I did not choose to have a child that would eventually get into legal trouble and I would end up caring for his child.  Circumstances did that for me.  I can not change what has happened, I can only hope and pray that someday my circumstances will change so that I can make different choices.

To have to deal with a bully like I did in high school really pains me because no matter how old you get, it still hurts to hear comments.  It hurts to know that people are talking about you behind your back. It hurts to get put down because you don't learn the same way, or achieve the end result the same way as HJB.  I did end up going to HR to just "advise" them of the situation because I didn't know how far she would take it.  You know, had to cover MY ass first.  That's how I roll.

Of course now I am branded a tattle tale but I really don't give a shit. I can deal with the whispers when my co workers walk by me because of the gossip/rumors that she has spread.  I can overlook she and Ellen whispering and throwing comments around.  What I can't deal with is someone using the Word of God and the Blessed name of Jesus as a way to show how you "live your life" only to do exactly the opposite of what He would.




Sunday, November 29, 2015

11.29.15

The Thanksgiving Holiday has officially come to a close and the Christmas holiday has officially begun. Sure the commercialism of the holiday started in September, but I refuse to take any part in it until the day after Thanksgiving, when I begin the traditional Christmas decorating.
I almost finished with the decorations today, leaving a few outdoor wreaths and the tree which is usually last due to the major re-arranging of the living room to accommodate it for a month.

I have to say that the house is beginning to look Christmas-y, but still quite messy as I have boxes and toys laying around that I have yet to put away for a few weeks.  I'll finish up during the week, hopefully and then I can relax and get back to some sort of normalcy until its time to take them all down.

I look forward to the evenings of driving around town looking at all the lights and decorations, maybe taking a trip to Bright Nights in Massachusetts, the snuggles under a blanket, warm hot chocolate, Christmas shows and festive music. Christmas truly is my favorite time of year.

Now if I could only remember to move that damn elf.............