About the Author

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Plainville, CT, United States
Having achieved my goal of becoming a published author, I contribute it to the fact that I have been writing since the age of 9. My boys were the inspiration for my children's stories and my life is the inspiration for my autobiography. I have a tendency to write about whatever I feel, relevant, interesting or not. I welcome any comments you may have, positive or constructive. Thank you so much for visiting and following my blog, My life.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

5.1.16

Occasionally, well, ok often, I feel the need to vent about my pathetic life.  If I don't like it, change it you say?  Ok, no problem.  I'll just come up with thousands of dollars for an attorney, thousands of dollars for a psychiatrist for a seven year old that was ripped away from his "dad", friends, school, and every bit of security he has known, live in a homeless shelter or in my car because I can't afford a rent.

It really pisses me off when people think they know so much about someone elses life.  You know what? YOU DON'T so stop acting like you are a perfect, all knowing human being.  You don't know shit about my life, what I've been through and what my current circumstances are so until you do - I have only one thing to say to you: SHUT THE HELL UP AND MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.

I deal with a lot of shit and I consider myself an extremely patient person.  I'm a very loyal friend, a genuinely nice person, I trust too easily and get hurt too often.  I pick my head up and move on.  I deserve respect, consideration, compassion and understanding.  If you want it, you had better be prepared to give it.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

The Hypocritical Jesus Bitch

It amazes me how after 40 years of graduating someone can still possess the same childish, high school behavior as they did that long ago.

I had the wonderful pleasure of being bullied in high school.  Maybe it had something to do with the fact I was a straight A student, maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was quiet.  Could even have been due to the fact that since the age of 12 I was almost 6' tall.  I'm going with all three.
The bullying and torture I endured while "enjoying" my high school years didn't come to an end until my mother felt I needed to go to a private school.  Before that happened though, my school days were a living hell.

You do what you can to survive and hope that you never have to experience the bullying again.  No on can be that lucky. Well, not me any way.

I am the type of person that really does try like hell to avoid conflict at all cost.  That's probably why I allow myself to get stepped on and treated like shit all the time.  If I stand up for myself it creates conflict, fighting and who knows what else so I just let it be and deal with it.  My day will come. Until that time, I do what I need to do to get through life with the least amount of conflict possible.

A couple days ago at work, I was having an absolutely terrible day.  I was quiet, didn't say much, just did what I had to do to get through the day so I have no idea how other people perceived it.  Apparently the HJB  perceived it as "I am a very angry person and if I don't think so I need to change my face."  huh.  Didn't think faces could be changed.  I thought the one I had was the one I was stuck with for the rest of my life.  Regardless, I said nothing, kept working.

Comments would fly between HJB and her friend that I will call Ellen.  (They used to work together at a different company as well)  I knew the comments were directed toward me however I chose to keep my mouth shut.  If I said anything, it would not be pretty. For either of us.

The straw that broke the camels back was when she called me pathetic because I can't learn via video tutorials.  I need a written outline and hands on.  that's how I learn.  I proceeded to tell her that she needs to not be so judgemental of me an it really bothers me how someone that professes to be as Godly as she does, can pass judgement so easily.  I have a lot of shit going on, I am overwhelmed at work, I am overwhelmed at home.  I am more alone than she will ever feel and I live with a man who is supposed to be my mate yet will not hesitate to call me a useless fucking cunt because I won't give him the keys to the car when he is drunk.

What I am going to say next is the reason I don't stand up for myself, I keep my mouth shut, and avoid conflict.

I was accused of having a victim mentality, which she totally abhors, I need to stop being pathetic, stop being a victim and accept the fact that made the choice to have the life I do.  then she proceeded to laugh about it with Ellen, and even share it with one of her other co workers, having a laugh with them as well.

To that, I said nothing. Do I agree with her?  Absolutely not.  A victim?  Yes.  We all are a victim of one kind or another.  I happen to be a victim of circumstance.  I did not choose to lose my job so that when the point came that when I wanted to leave, I was not able to.  I did not choose to get a job that did not pay me enough to support myself.  I did not choose to have a child that would eventually get into legal trouble and I would end up caring for his child.  Circumstances did that for me.  I can not change what has happened, I can only hope and pray that someday my circumstances will change so that I can make different choices.

To have to deal with a bully like I did in high school really pains me because no matter how old you get, it still hurts to hear comments.  It hurts to know that people are talking about you behind your back. It hurts to get put down because you don't learn the same way, or achieve the end result the same way as HJB.  I did end up going to HR to just "advise" them of the situation because I didn't know how far she would take it.  You know, had to cover MY ass first.  That's how I roll.

Of course now I am branded a tattle tale but I really don't give a shit. I can deal with the whispers when my co workers walk by me because of the gossip/rumors that she has spread.  I can overlook she and Ellen whispering and throwing comments around.  What I can't deal with is someone using the Word of God and the Blessed name of Jesus as a way to show how you "live your life" only to do exactly the opposite of what He would.




Sunday, November 29, 2015

11.29.15

The Thanksgiving Holiday has officially come to a close and the Christmas holiday has officially begun. Sure the commercialism of the holiday started in September, but I refuse to take any part in it until the day after Thanksgiving, when I begin the traditional Christmas decorating.
I almost finished with the decorations today, leaving a few outdoor wreaths and the tree which is usually last due to the major re-arranging of the living room to accommodate it for a month.

I have to say that the house is beginning to look Christmas-y, but still quite messy as I have boxes and toys laying around that I have yet to put away for a few weeks.  I'll finish up during the week, hopefully and then I can relax and get back to some sort of normalcy until its time to take them all down.

I look forward to the evenings of driving around town looking at all the lights and decorations, maybe taking a trip to Bright Nights in Massachusetts, the snuggles under a blanket, warm hot chocolate, Christmas shows and festive music. Christmas truly is my favorite time of year.

Now if I could only remember to move that damn elf.............

Saturday, November 28, 2015

11.28.15

I spent most of Thanksgiving day baking, cooking and cleaning.  I never did like Thanksgiving for just that reason. Why can't it just be a normal day, normal dinner, normal routine with "what are we thankful for" added in?
I envy those women who have mates that help them.  I do everything alone from start to finish while mine is hunting in the morning, comes home and sleeps on the couch to a point where i get everything on the table and by the time he finally gets off the couch, i'm microwaving my plate to reheat everything. Sure.  I'm thankful that I have food to eat, a job to provide me with the money to buy the food and pay my bills.  I'm thankful for my grandson and that i have a roof over my head because I know that there are others that do not.  Other than that, I find it hard to be thankful for anything.
Friday and today, I tried to get into the Christmas spirit.  Most anyone who knows me is aware that I spend the weekend after Thanksgiving putting up Christmas decorations.  This year however I am finding it very hard to do anything. I got almost all the outside decorations up on Friday, and worked inside today.  I still have a bit to do, but since I started using the 3M command performance system for my decorating, I need to get the adhesive backers every year.  Off to Walmart tomorrow it would appear.
So tomorrow will be spent shopping at Walmart for supplies and whatever groceries I need that are cheaper there.  Then off to the grocery store and back home to decorate some more and get ready to go back to work on Monday.
Depression sucks - it drags me down and takes away the joy I once felt this time of year. Now I feel like I do it just for Axel.  If he weren't here, I really don't think I would put forth the effort with the decorating.
At least there's one thing I can look forward to - I can wear all my Christmas sweaters now.  I think I have almost enough to wear a different one every day until Christmas.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Riding the Proverbial See Saw

  I started writing this entry and as I sat there staring at the blank page in front of me, I didn't know what to write.  I've been having that problem lately and it gets quite frustrating at times, since I am a writer.
  Riding the proverbial see saw was the first thing that came to mind today, being the only way I am able to describe my pathetic excuse for a life.
  My sister always tells me to get a backbone but I'm too passive.  I don't think i will ever be aggressive enough to get people to refrain from walking all over me.  One of my old bosses told me "you know what your problem is? You're too nice."  Yup, I'll keep getting walked all over and continue to give everything.
  The see saw I speak of can be any number of things.  If it applies to you, then perhaps you can relate to what I'm writing about today. My see saw?  My marriage.  Oh sure every marriage has its ups and downs, every relationship has its ups and downs. When it gets extensive because the person that it playing on the see saw with you can't decide whether or not he wants to be up or down?  Then it gets quite a bit irritating to say the least.  Plays with your head, your emotions and your physical well being also.  Being passive doesn't really help the situation any.
  Attempting to avoid confrontation of any kind can have its pros and cons.  On the pro side - you avoid confrontation.  On the con side?  You don't stand up for yourself because that would mean there will be some degree of confrontation,  The life of a doormat is ultimately what you end up with.
  Having a spouse that is spoiled rotten, selfish and wants his own way all the time doesn't help.  When you are faced with constant degradation your own self worth sort of goes into the toiled and you become numb to a point of no return. There might be someone that shows you kindness of some sort and you start to latch on to them but it usually ends up in a not-so-pretty picture, especially if that someone is of the opposite sex.  Platonic or not - it leads to trouble. But only for me.
  A one sided relationship is unique of sorts, quite difficult to manage and I have a hell of a time trying to figure out what I am going to do.  Things that apply to him, don't apply to me. Its a do as I say not as I do kind of relationship.  As long as I do what I'm told, everything is roses.  Try to be independent, do my own thing, not so rosy.
  For example, If I sleep in on a Saturday, lets say until 8:45-9:00 (I am up at 4:40am during the week), I am lazy.  If he sleeps until 10 - he is tired because he works hard all week.  If I have a male friend that i talk to - I'm fucking him.  If he sends sexts to an old girlfriend (i read them), They are just words and mean nothing, even though one of them was a "when shes out your in" sort of text.  And what do i do?  Flip out the first time I read them but the second time? My passive side kicked in and said its not worth it because he will never see that what he is doing is wrong.  Talking to a male is wrong also when you are married, so that makes me just as bad.  I think. 
  I have begun to feel as though I have the inability to do anything correctly and that which I feel is "normal" (coming home after work, changing, start dinner, clean up and want to sit and relax for a bit, maybe knit) is in fact not.  Normal is coming home, working outside until dark, THEN coming in, making dinner, eating whenever and then cleaning up the mess before turning in for the night - but not to sleep.  Too much to get into right not - that's another chapter, for another time.
  Talk about getting off  course.  The see saw relationship I refer to is one in which I am told that there are a lot of people that would love to be with him and do what  I do.....nothing. Let him go, find someone else, move on, neither one of us are happy, etc. Then the next day we are discussing snowmobiling and whether or not we should go to Maine or Vermont on vacation in December.
  The constant up and down makes me think he is bi-polar to a degree, but what do I know.  I'll just ride the see saw up, ride it down, and in the meantime explore my options and prepare for a life of what I feel is normal. Someday.

Friday, March 7, 2014

I Close My Eyes.......

As the days go by I think of you
Wondering what you are doing.
Are you thinking of me?
Do you feel what I feel?

There are so many things I want to say
Words that will go unspoken
Fearing that they will fall on deaf ears
Be spoken all for naught

The distance between us feels as though
It spans a life time. 
Talking to you but never hearing your voice
Seeing you but never able to look into your eyes

I am a prisoner in my own life
Bound by chains fashioned of torment
Strengthened by years of misery
Longing to but never able to escape

In my darkness I close my eyes and then
I feel the warmth of your touch on my face
I feel your arms around me, strong, 
Never letting go, keeping me safe

My body is pressed close to yours
I can feel your heartbeat, feel your 
Soft touch, your warm breath
Hear your whispers in my ear

I know that when I open my eyes
You will no longer be with me
Once again you will be only in my
Heart, my thoughts and in my dreams

Saturday, February 1, 2014

With January over already, I am left wondering how quickly the rest of the year is going to pass for me.  January was a hell of a month.  Between the bullying, the Jekyll-Hyde personality and the overall depression, part of me wishes it would go by quicker than it has.

I didn't really have much time to think let alone make any plans for anything in January.  Sure, there was the I'm leaving, no its ok if you stay see saw that has become my life, but aside from that, I didn't pack any boxes or look for anywhere to live.  Today that changed though.  I actually went into town and got a storage unit to start putting my stuff in.  Its not tremendously large, but its big enough for what I have which is mostly boxes.  I have a few pieces of furniture, but they are small so it won't be a problem getting everything in there, and then some.

Part of me was sad doing it because it means that another chapter of my life is over. Now its "what's going to happen next" phase.  I certainly can't support myself and a 5 year old so I have no idea where I will go.  I'll stay here as long as I can, see if I can get on my feet a little and go from there.  I have never been alone and that's the scary part. What am I going to do?  Aside from the bullying, I love my life - I love to snowmobile, I love to go to Vermont and aside from the drive, I love to go see his mom in Maine.  I have spent the better part of our relationship trying to convince myself that its worth the bullying. I guess that's why I'm still here.  I feel like if I leave, my life will be over.  The life I love will be gone, and I will be alone.   I can beat myself up over this all the time but will never be able to really convince myself that it's the right thing to do.

When I look back and think about the things he says and does I can't help but wonder if he is bi-polar.  It would certainly explain a lot.  The mean bully one minute and the sweet, caring man I married the next.  At least it would be easier to understand and accept why he is the way he is, but like someone told me "sometimes people are just ass holes".

I guess I will just take one step at a time and see where I end up.  I will put stuff in storage little by little so that when the time comes that I have to leave, its that much less I have to deal with. It will certainly be a good time to go through what I have and get rid of some stuff.  I always say I want to do that, but never do.  I guess now is my chance.

Oh well, I suppose it is what it is.  Move forward, push on, sally forth and all that jazz.