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Plainville, CT, United States
Having achieved my goal of becoming a published author, I contribute it to the fact that I have been writing since the age of 9. My boys were the inspiration for my children's stories and my life is the inspiration for my autobiography. I have a tendency to write about whatever I feel, relevant, interesting or not. I welcome any comments you may have, positive or constructive. Thank you so much for visiting and following my blog, My life.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

With January over already, I am left wondering how quickly the rest of the year is going to pass for me.  January was a hell of a month.  Between the bullying, the Jekyll-Hyde personality and the overall depression, part of me wishes it would go by quicker than it has.

I didn't really have much time to think let alone make any plans for anything in January.  Sure, there was the I'm leaving, no its ok if you stay see saw that has become my life, but aside from that, I didn't pack any boxes or look for anywhere to live.  Today that changed though.  I actually went into town and got a storage unit to start putting my stuff in.  Its not tremendously large, but its big enough for what I have which is mostly boxes.  I have a few pieces of furniture, but they are small so it won't be a problem getting everything in there, and then some.

Part of me was sad doing it because it means that another chapter of my life is over. Now its "what's going to happen next" phase.  I certainly can't support myself and a 5 year old so I have no idea where I will go.  I'll stay here as long as I can, see if I can get on my feet a little and go from there.  I have never been alone and that's the scary part. What am I going to do?  Aside from the bullying, I love my life - I love to snowmobile, I love to go to Vermont and aside from the drive, I love to go see his mom in Maine.  I have spent the better part of our relationship trying to convince myself that its worth the bullying. I guess that's why I'm still here.  I feel like if I leave, my life will be over.  The life I love will be gone, and I will be alone.   I can beat myself up over this all the time but will never be able to really convince myself that it's the right thing to do.

When I look back and think about the things he says and does I can't help but wonder if he is bi-polar.  It would certainly explain a lot.  The mean bully one minute and the sweet, caring man I married the next.  At least it would be easier to understand and accept why he is the way he is, but like someone told me "sometimes people are just ass holes".

I guess I will just take one step at a time and see where I end up.  I will put stuff in storage little by little so that when the time comes that I have to leave, its that much less I have to deal with. It will certainly be a good time to go through what I have and get rid of some stuff.  I always say I want to do that, but never do.  I guess now is my chance.

Oh well, I suppose it is what it is.  Move forward, push on, sally forth and all that jazz.