About the Author
- MJ Williams
- Plainville, CT, United States
- Having achieved my goal of becoming a published author, I contribute it to the fact that I have been writing since the age of 9. My boys were the inspiration for my children's stories and my life is the inspiration for my autobiography. I have a tendency to write about whatever I feel, relevant, interesting or not. I welcome any comments you may have, positive or constructive. Thank you so much for visiting and following my blog, My life.
Monday, June 29, 2015
I started writing this entry and as I sat there staring at the blank page in front of me, I didn't know what to write. I've been having that problem lately and it gets quite frustrating at times, since I am a writer.
Riding the proverbial see saw was the first thing that came to mind today, being the only way I am able to describe my pathetic excuse for a life.
My sister always tells me to get a backbone but I'm too passive. I don't think i will ever be aggressive enough to get people to refrain from walking all over me. One of my old bosses told me "you know what your problem is? You're too nice." Yup, I'll keep getting walked all over and continue to give everything.
The see saw I speak of can be any number of things. If it applies to you, then perhaps you can relate to what I'm writing about today. My see saw? My marriage. Oh sure every marriage has its ups and downs, every relationship has its ups and downs. When it gets extensive because the person that it playing on the see saw with you can't decide whether or not he wants to be up or down? Then it gets quite a bit irritating to say the least. Plays with your head, your emotions and your physical well being also. Being passive doesn't really help the situation any.
Attempting to avoid confrontation of any kind can have its pros and cons. On the pro side - you avoid confrontation. On the con side? You don't stand up for yourself because that would mean there will be some degree of confrontation, The life of a doormat is ultimately what you end up with.
Having a spouse that is spoiled rotten, selfish and wants his own way all the time doesn't help. When you are faced with constant degradation your own self worth sort of goes into the toiled and you become numb to a point of no return. There might be someone that shows you kindness of some sort and you start to latch on to them but it usually ends up in a not-so-pretty picture, especially if that someone is of the opposite sex. Platonic or not - it leads to trouble. But only for me.
A one sided relationship is unique of sorts, quite difficult to manage and I have a hell of a time trying to figure out what I am going to do. Things that apply to him, don't apply to me. Its a do as I say not as I do kind of relationship. As long as I do what I'm told, everything is roses. Try to be independent, do my own thing, not so rosy.
For example, If I sleep in on a Saturday, lets say until 8:45-9:00 (I am up at 4:40am during the week), I am lazy. If he sleeps until 10 - he is tired because he works hard all week. If I have a male friend that i talk to - I'm fucking him. If he sends sexts to an old girlfriend (i read them), They are just words and mean nothing, even though one of them was a "when shes out your in" sort of text. And what do i do? Flip out the first time I read them but the second time? My passive side kicked in and said its not worth it because he will never see that what he is doing is wrong. Talking to a male is wrong also when you are married, so that makes me just as bad. I think.
I have begun to feel as though I have the inability to do anything correctly and that which I feel is "normal" (coming home after work, changing, start dinner, clean up and want to sit and relax for a bit, maybe knit) is in fact not. Normal is coming home, working outside until dark, THEN coming in, making dinner, eating whenever and then cleaning up the mess before turning in for the night - but not to sleep. Too much to get into right not - that's another chapter, for another time.
Talk about getting off course. The see saw relationship I refer to is one in which I am told that there are a lot of people that would love to be with him and do what I do.....nothing. Let him go, find someone else, move on, neither one of us are happy, etc. Then the next day we are discussing snowmobiling and whether or not we should go to Maine or Vermont on vacation in December.
The constant up and down makes me think he is bi-polar to a degree, but what do I know. I'll just ride the see saw up, ride it down, and in the meantime explore my options and prepare for a life of what I feel is normal. Someday.